79 Cool WhatsApp Statuses Ever

1. Please come back here and let me love you, weekend.

2. WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.

3. Do you think a stranger has ever wrote a status or tweeted about something you’ve done in public?

4. Do you ever bring your pet up to a mirror and you’re just like “That is you”

5. That awkward moment when you set something down for a second and it disappears off the face of the earth.

6. Whenever someone says they did something, “like a boss,” I assume that means they didn’t do it at all and are merely taking credit for it.

7. I am 5 for 5 on popping my trunk instead of unlocking the fuel door at the gas station.

8. Starbucks at 8am closely resembles the waiting room at a methadone clinic.

9. What is it about a car that makes people think we can’t see them pick their nose?

10. I hate when new parents ask who the baby looks like. It was born 15 minutes ago, it looks like a potato.

11. Society has put an unnecessary amount of effort into the advancement of yogurt.

12. If I woke up beside you every morning, I would be a morning person.

13. Love becomes weak if it is not strengthened by truth. Truth becomes hard if it is not softened by love.

14. The cashier told me “Strip down, facing me.” How was I to know she meant my debit card?

15. It’s a strange moment, when you realize that the sound of nature is the sound of millions of animals, birds, and insects desperately trying to get laid.

16. The girl at the Taco Bell drive thru gave me this “I know your high” look. I snatched my 37 crunchy tacos and got out of there.

17. Whenever someone asks me to sign their cast, I always write: ‘last warning, you have a week to get the money together.

18. So many good trailers; so few good movies.

19. You can tell yourself that Sesame Street is educational but Cookie Monster has lived there for like 40 years and still can’t conjugate verbs.

20. Somebody needs to invent an alarm clock that releases the smell of bacon.

21. Don’t let loneliness drive you back into the arms of someone you know you don’t belong with.

22. Selfie… Because it’s important to realize that it’s not the photographer who is making you look ugly.

23. If I’ve learned anything from Game of Thrones it’s that I need a wolf.

24. The average human being spends 33% of their life sleeping, 10% watching TV & 14% installing Adobe software updates.

25. I wish I was in a gang, I never know what to do with my hands when taking pictures.

26. Stop editing your pics. What if you go missing? How do you expect us to find you if you look like Beyonce on Facebook and Chief Keef in person.

27. My life has a surprising lack of dance battles.

28. Home sounds like a nice place, until they say they’re going to put you in one.

29. When cleaning my house: 1% Cleaning 30% Complaining 69% Playing with stuffs that I just found.

30. I wish my bank account refilled as fast as my laundry basket.

31. I clicked facebook’s “Find Friends” button and it just logged me out.

32. “Knock him out.” – Mama

33. I’m old enough to remember when people used take pictures with a camera.

34. I’m an only child, and I’m still not the favorite.

35. I eat my tacos over a tortilla so that way when stuff falls out Boom another taco.

36. If I post a letter without a stamp and just put the intended address as the return address, won’t it be sent there anyway?

37. I saw a baby yesterday with a shirt that said “I am what happened in Vegas.”

38. My moral compass just spins.

39. Protein shake? Nah, I’m just gonna eat this bowl of ice cream. It’s called muscle confusion. Read about it.

40. Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed – then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn’t drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, it is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than to be selfish and worry about my liver.

41. You say you want to bring me back to reality. You’re assuming I’ve been there before.

42. The tv remote fell under the bed so I guess it’s TBS, on an uncomfortably high volume, for the next 5 years.

43. Talking about Star Wars on a first date is a wookie mistake.

44. The way you feel while mumbling through that part of the song you don’t know is how I feel about all my life decisions.

45. Whenever someone asks me to sign their cast, I always write: ‘last warning, you have a week to get the money together.’

46. Sometimes I catch a spider, tie him up and waterboard him. Then I throw him outside so he can tell his friends not to mess with me.

47. Saw a homeless guy with a sign that said “Anything helps!” So I punched him in the face. Feels good to give back.

48. Put your GPS on full volume for your daily commute if you want to know what marriage is like.

49. Settle down people who respond with “k”. Your enthusiasm is overwhelming.

50. If you use OMG or LOL as words in a spoken conversion, I wil pound your face then ROFLMFAO.

51. Really offended these microwave instructions told me to turn my burrito over gently like I don’t treat every burrito with the utmost respect.

52. I hate when Doctors asks questions like . . . “Are you sexually active?” Depends on what you mean by “active”. There are plenty of “active” volcanoes that haven’t gone off in over 50 years.

53. It is hard to imagine how people showed their anger before doors were invented.

54. In my experience, most arguments are caused by a misunderstanding of the fact that I’m right.

55. Deja poo. The feeling that you’ve heard this shit before.

56. The fact that this generation of kids will never know the pain of a Blockbuster late fee really pisses me off.

57. There are over 10 different flavors of Ramen Noodles, yet they all taste like poverty and loneliness.

58. You meet a man on the Oregon Trail. He tells you his name is Terry. You laugh and tell him: “that’s a girl’s name!” Terry shoots you. You have died of dissin’ Terry.

59. Fact: No one has ever “Jumped in the shower.”

60. I’m probably single because I forgot to forward those chain messages from 2008.

61. What a weekend…trying to get the courage to look at my credit card statement from last night

1. I just want to alternate between napping and eating all day everyday while getting attention, so basically I just wish I were a dog.

2. People who don’t like bacon cannot be trusted.

3. I do marathons (on Netflix).

4. You’ll never know the value of a moment until becomes a memory.

5. There are plenty of fish in the sea…I just suck at fishing.

6. What do people in China call their good dishes?

7. You know what I hate? Those DAMNED ‘push to wash’ sinks in public restrooms!!!!! UGHhhhHh what is the purpose?!?! They only stay on for bout 2.5 seconds IF THAT, then you gotta hold it and wash one hand, and switch, and BAMMM you got more germs then you started with!

8. Was I the only one who cheated on heads up 7 up in elementary school??

9. I checked my FB today. Don’t worry, everyone is still just gettin pregnant and posting food pics. Business as usual.

10. Leaving me a voicemail is like sending a letter to the house I lived in 4 years ago. I’m just never gonna get that.

11. “I’m going to perform extensive research on this particular topic before I give an educated opinion.” -no one ever.

12. Does this 50 pound bag of cat food make me look single?

13. I’m not positive that having the TV volume on an odd number will destroy the world, but lets not risk it.

14. “Wow, this relationship is really rocky. I bet a wedding and baby will solve everything!” -Idiots.

15. Sometimes you just have to logout…..

16. “I” before “E” especially after “P”. Mmmm pie

17. When in doubt mumble.

18. My favorite thing to do on Facebook is to get in a long conversation with someone and then delete all my comments to make them look crazy.

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