80 Cool Statuses For WhatsApp

1. You better not pout, you better not cry, you better not shout I’m telling you why…we have our own problems and nobody cares about yours.

2. There is almost a full year until Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up…. Unbelievable.

3. Everybody has that one friend that has the worst taste in music.

4. Lying through your teeth doesn’t count as flossing.

5. I believe in second chances. I just don’t think everybody deserves them.

6. I’m not fat. My stomach is 3D.

7. S.C.H.O.O.L. = Seven Crappy Hours Of Our Life. C.L.A.S.S. = Come Late And Start Sleeping F.I.N.A.L.S. = F**k I Never Actually Learned Sh*t

8. That little dance your thumbs do when you don’t know how to answer to a text.

9. Finally did it. 25 inflatable mattresses later and I’ve finally turned my apartment into a bounce castle.

10. There are two types of people in the world: 1. People who understand and appreciate sarcasm. 2. Morons.

11. You haven’t truly won an argument until the other person says “whatever.”

12. I would really like to help you move your furniture tomorrow but I’m going to be too busy sitting on mine.

13. Just because you’re offended, doesn’t mean you’re right.

14. I got robbed today at Shell. I called the cops, and they asked if I knew who did it. I said “yeah, pump 6.”

15. I was sitting on the toilet when the guy in the stall next to me started smoking. Disgusting. I nearly couldn’t finish my sandwich.

16. Why is it that I can’t get a mobile reception in my house in town, yet a terrorist can upload his vids from a cave in Afghanistan?

17. If your mind is so closed, why is your mouth so open?

18. I don’t love being single but I do love being happy.

19. UPS, FedEx, and DHL trucks should play a jingle like ice cream trucks so we know when our packages are coming.

20. Next time a customer service rep asks “Is there anything else I can do for you?” whisper “Smile for the camera, I’m watching you” & hang up

21. Pretty cool how the internet lets you stay connected with people you haven’t seen in years and silently judge them on a daily basis.

22. We’ll be best friends forever because you already know too much.

23. If you ever disappeared while hiking, I’d remain with the search party at least until it started raining.

24. If you were a cupcake, I’d definitely eat you. And, then I’d feel really guilty, knowing that I ate the best cupcake in the world. And, obviously, that I ate my friend, as well.

25. True love is not having to hold your farts in anymore.

26. Take out the trash? Nah, I’ll just push it down with more trash.

27. That awkward moment when your internet goes down and you don’t know what to do with your life.

28. I can’t imagine my life without you. And I have a very active imagination, so I should totally be able to do it. But I can’t.

29. Pringles: The only chip company that doesn’t sell air.

30. Think of a number between 1 and 10. Add your area code. Subtract your age. Add some common sense. What are you even doing with your life?

31. One day my fridge will take revenge on me by opening my bedroom door every half hour, staring at me for a few minutes and then leave.

32. If there is any time to pay attention, it is while typing “grandfather clocks” into an image search.

33. Screw you recommended serving size. You don’t know me.

34. Growing up is when you go from using drugs for fun to using drugs for survival.

35. I hear what you’re saying, but I can’t say what I’m hearing.

36. I need me some adult light up shoes!

37. Why don’t homeless people just use their credit cards like the rest of us?

38. I know we’re smarter than dogs, but whenever I hear them bark for no reason I’m positive they know more than I do.

39. “It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Give it a try.” whispered the heart.

40. There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”

41. I would like to publicly apologize to anyone I have NOT offended…I will get to you shortly.

42. Laughter is the best medicine…unless you have diarrhea.

43. Asking how my work day went is like asking how a drive-by-shooting went…I’m just lucky I got out alive.

44. Guys just want a virgin porn star and girls just want a dangerous safe guy.

45. Pizza doesn’t ask silly questions. Pizza understands.

46. I wonder when people without cars pick their noses…

47. I want someone who is equal parts weird and sexy.

48. The time it takes our sun to orbit the center of the Milky Way is called a “Galactic Year” and is ~225 million Earth years. By that definition, dinosaurs went extinct last year, our sun is an adult at 18.4 years old, and the Big Bang happened just 61 years ago.

49. One cries because one is sad. For example, I cry because others are stupid and it makes me sad.

50. I’m not sure how long “a bit” is

51. Sir, unless you can ride your bike at 50 mph, move your ass into the bike lane.

52. You complete me. Which makes me a complete idiot.

53. Texting someone when you are half asleep then reading your text in the morning and realizing it makes no sense.

54. When I was your age, we drank water straight out of the sink.

55. Business Idea: Minding your own.

56. A house is not a home until you can find all light switches in the dark.

57. Don’t judge a man until you’ve walked a mile in his shoes – unless he wears those weird toe-shoe things. You may judge that man immediately.

58. The worst part of being an insomniac is having to eat spiders while I’m awake to maintain my yearly average.

59. It’s actually pretty easy to win an argument with a woman when you wait until she’s not around to have it.

60. Press 1 for someone who probably learned English last year but is going to try and communicate effectively with you anyway.

61. I always knows the right thing to say, immediately after the right time to say it has passed.

62. Why do people in movies keep all their lights off when they hear a noise? I’d be lighting that place up like friggin’ Times Square.

63. Men like football because the priorities in football are also the biggest priorities in every man’s life…. Scoring and Ball Security.

64. Why is the number 11 not pronounced “onety-one”?

65. Dear America, stop making stupid people famous.

66. I’m holding cheerleader tryouts for my fantasy football team.

67. Best friends can see the difference between your fake smile and the real one.

68. I swear I’m exhausted all day until I finally get in bed and try going to sleep.

69. 2014 is in 4 months.. Let that sink in.

70. Does anyone else have a plastic bag full of plastic bags in their house, or is it just me?

71. I love how in scary movies the person yells out ‘Hello?’ As if the killer is going to be like ‘Yeah I’m in the kitchen, want a sandwich?’

72. In an elevator I like to pull out a picture of myself and ask people “have you seen this person?”

73. Nothing’s funnier than a baffled senior citizen reading a slang word out loud.

74. They shouldn’t call it a “homestyle” restaurant unless you can eat in front of the TV.

75. Maybe early risers just aren’t as awesome at sleeping as I am.

76. Apologizing doesn’t mean you’re right or wrong, it just means you value your relationship more than your EGO.

77. Breathe, it’s just a bad day.. not a bad life.

78. I wish I could google the things I’ve misplaced.

79. My bank lets me send a text message and it’ll text back with my balance. It’s a cool feature but I didn’t think the LOL was necessary.

80. Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, “Don’t listen to that guy. He’s drunk.”

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